Sunday, May 29, 2011

I only have eyes for you !!

What a day yesterday.Did you ever have one of those days where you wake up and stress or anxiety just sorta takes hold. It was a day where I should of been happy. I was off from work, I had plans to go to a flea market with Dayna, a girl I've known since I was 12yrs old, and then later a ride planned. sounds like a wonderful day doesn't it? I'm not quite sure why or how anxiety started my day but i had to push myself through the day. A very huge lesson i have learned is that emotions lie. They tell you it's going to be a bad day,that nothing is going to go right and that you would be better off just staying in bed. I woke to another beautiful Saturday. The sun shining and the promise of an almost 80 degree day. I didn't have enough sleep but was all ready committed too my plans. I had such a great time with Dayna, I always do. We talked and laughed and had breakfast for lunch..During this journey of grief I am getting to know myself and be myself. I'm trying with all my heart to be a person of my word. If I say I will be there or will do something I do my best to keep that commitment no matter how i feel. Emotions lie and tell you its not going to be a good day. I proved that just getting outside makes me feel better. I got some wonderful finds at the flea market, an old bible in great condition, a brass horse (which i collect) and a wonderful book from the early 60's on the world. after i got home from a day out in the sun and sat at my computer with a cup of coffee anxiety filled me again. Anxiety is surely something one has to work on. 
I was this close to cancelling my ride with Judy and Adam. A ride that was my idea..I sat here with dread in my heart just thinking about getting back in the car again to go see Bubba. Some days I see him and I have to push myself out the door, and once I do I'm so glad I didn't give in to emotions lie that I'd be better off staying home and hiding. 
As i pulled up to the barn  I began to feel better, and walking to the stable I saw my Judy and her husband Adam just chillen on the lawn chairs taking in the sights. It's so beautiful where we board. Judy knows me well and knew i had been struggling with anxiety and I love her for her patience with me. Judy said "Adam has your Bubba  saddled up and ready to go." i thought how blessed am i to have such great friends. so i went in Bubbas stall and kissed my boy right on his nose. He loves to trail ride. So i put on his bitless bridle and tightened up the cinch and away we went. All those racing thoughts about how awful i felt and how i didnt want to go see bubba and how i would of much rather of stayed home were gone the moment i saw Bubba. This is what he does for me. This is what a horse should do for you. 
Before we ever left the barn Judy says to me "my poor Adam is suffering from anxiety attacks today" and i felt a wave of relief just wash over me. I said "oh Judy me too I almost didn't come tonight" and she smiled and said "i know honey, i knew  you were struggling and if you would of cancelled I would of felt bad for you because I know what Bubba does for you on the inside". As we weaved back and forth along the trail, Judy & Gomer lead, Adam and Fox rode second and Bubba and I took up the rear. Adam began talking to me about his anxiety. Again someone who understands what I am going through is worth more to me then a million bucks. We talked for what seemed like hours about how it affects us, how we cant eat or sleep, how our thoughts race and wont leave us alone and the sheer battle to just live with this. We would talk and I'd look up to Judy and Gomer up in the lead and think what a wonderful friend i have who does not mind that i can encourage and share my thoughts and feelings concerning anxiety with her husband. Some women are so jealous or are so attention driven. Judy truly is unique in this way. God hand picked Adam just for her and they are the most beautiful,loving and happy couple and I am blessed to call them both friends.
On our way back I was feeling quite good and confident and Bubba was riding like a dream. And then judy says the words " were running up here". ugh!!!!!!!  We stood atop a slight hill that ran down to the longest stretch of green grass I'd ever seen. I could feel my Anxiety just well up inside me. Judy said I'll let you guys go first..So Adam and I trotted off but could not get our horses to even break into a canter. Judy stayed behind and held Gomer back because he is that fast. Very quickly i began to hear thundering hoofs behind me and when Judy and Gomer flew by all i saw was a blur of brown & Judys blond hair. Adam was in front of me and both Fox and Bubba took off behind Gomer. I did think "oh God I'm gonna die" lol..Bubba picked up and hammered down and his speed amazed me, when we hit the middle of the green field  i felt what i would compare to overdrive and Bubba was trucking. 
My Sun glasses flew off and I managed to grab them and I just put my reins forward and let Bubba fly. I had no idea that Bubba had that kind of speed. And it felt so good to just let him go. The adrenaline rush was insane. I felt like all my troubles had somehow been sucked out by some large vacuum and nothing but joy and happiness was left. Emotions lie. Yesterday was the best ride of my life. I know things don't always go perfect and we are never guaranteed safety. But I can see my horses Confidence just skyrocket..He's become brave & so courageous. It's so awesome to see this transformation. Soon I'll be able to do what I thought was impossible which is ride bubba by myself. 
I came home last night and had the best night and the next time my anxiety or emotions tell me that its going to be an awful day I will force myself to get out and smell the roses. I couldn't help but ponder over what I would of missed out on had I stayed home. Had I gave in to those emotions and let them run me. I would of missed out on the ride of my life. 
As I walked Bubba to the pasture to turn him out before leaving for the night. I began to walk away when he began to nicker at me. So I walked back over to the fence and kissed his nose and scratched his chest and then behind his ears..He took his muzzle and put it next to my face and took a long inhale of me. I said goodbye and turned around to walk away and again he nickered at me. So I grabbed my cell phone to take a picture because i just didnt want to forget this moment. Bonding is such a beautiful experience. 

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