The woman in the Mirror

This is Gomer(on the left)& my Bubba (on the right). Sadly we were forced to find a new stable because the stable we wintered at went up for sale & rather then wait until the last minute Judy one of my dear friends & trail riding companion found the most perfect place not far from home for us. It was a long hard winter. The coldest I remember in years. I was so grateful for the indoor arena we got to enjoy because the weather outside was treacherous so riding outside was out. And on top of that,  Bubba was giving me some real trouble & the indoor arena was a great place to work out these issues. There were many.
I got the opportunity to work with a very knowledgeable friend named Cindy. If you ever get the chance to take lessons from an experienced Horse Trainer or Friend, Please do IT. It really helped me see things so clearly, like how often the communication between horse & rider in practically non existent.  

When i was told that just about every single issue I was having with my horse boiled down to the trust factor,(Bubba's lack of trust in me) I disagreed & was highly insulted.Then I really got to thinking. Why did it hurt my feelings? Well, because
the truth hurts but I needed to face it. Bubba had no trust in me. I had no trust in him,he was the boss, therefor he was in charge and he called all the shots.That's about as unsafe a situation as it can get. Truth is we all want to be safe, none of us want to get bucked off or harmed. We all have an incident that sticks out in our mind and sometimes replays..like me i was bucked off at the age of 13, it was a nightmare of buck..I am 38yrs old and I'd be lying if  i didn't say that every time i decide to let my horse gallop that very thought of getting bucked off didn't flash before my eyes. I can tell you first hand that until you are willing to come up with a game plan, commit yourself to ground work, admit that you don't know as much as you think you know, and be willing to meet your horse at the level he or she takes it too, you will never get beyond that accident or that fear. I honestly didn't realize that until it was pointed out to me.Ever wonder why your horse misbehaves yet when an experienced rider gets on them or works with them the horse seems to all of a sudden start behaving? 
Have you wondered why every horse you've ever owned acts the same way eventually, pulls the same tricks or sports the same bad habit? You always hope that the new horse will not have the same problems as the old. The problem never was the horse. The problem is us. and the problem is that horses lack of trust in us. 

I had an excuse for everything Bubba did or didn't do. I could stretch that into my personal life because I had an excuse for all the things my family and friends did too. Lastly, I always made excuses for myself. I found myself by finally facing all the things I'd made excuses for in my personal life while retraining myself and Bubba.


I looked at myself one day in the mirror & realized I really didn't know the person looking back at me. I'd spent so much time being the Carolyne everybody else wanted that I lost myself somewhere along the way.So I didn't just work on Bubba I worked on myself too.

There were so many issues we worked on over the winter..5 long months of ground work, ground work,ground work.He'd buck or act like he was gonna buck when i asked for a canter. He would raise his head when i went to bridle him or put his halter on. He wouldn't stand still when i went to tack him up or brush him. He'd jig non stop on the trail. Everything just screamed "this is out of control".

Bubba fought me so hard and was not willing to hand over his Alpha position so easily. I didn't realize the fight I'd have on my hands.  I had a horse with a major attitude problem who was becoming quite dangerous. I really hadn't finished anything I started training wise on Bubba to this point. I did everything in bits and pieces..When I committed myself to training Bubba and earning his respect and taking the Alpha position back, the results in Bubba's new attitude were just amazing. He went  from a spoiled ugly horse with an attitude too a very Handsome loving(still spoiled) horse with manners.
The issues I was having in my personal life & the means to get beyond them somehow crossed the same exact path that I was on while working with Bubba. I was gaining confidence and self esteem for the first time. I could see results from sticking to it that I was never able to achieve before on my own.Don't ask me how i had so many epiphany's while teaching my horse the 7 games by Parelli, or how I found the answers to the Many Why's & Why nots. I would have so many uh-HUH moments about my life while ground working Bubba. Many times it lead to a rush of tears and relief
My burdens were heavy. I'm still grieving my daddy who passed away last sept. I miss him everyday of my life. It hurts so bad when you lose your parents because you really do feel for the first time in your life that your alone. There's a certain security that comes when one or both of your parents are alive.That security quickly leaves when they pass. I really thought I would handle my dads death 
better then I am. I didn't expect to feel so lost. I didn't expect the depression to weigh so heavy. I had to do something or the pit I was falling in would swallow me up for sure. So when a friend offered to help me retrain Bubba & myself (lol), I thought God gave me this horse & it's time for me to hand my grief over to the Lord and bury myself in training. I figured at the least I would be able to forget my troubles for a while. But it was the exact opposite that happened..I had to face my fears & my troubles and only then can you get beyond.

Working with Bubba made me realize how many things I had been running from concerning him & my own life.It  made me see the things I didn't quite like about myself. It forced me to see the all situations for what they really were. Truth is, my life had felt so messed up that I was ready to quit life. I simply didn't want to play anymore. All the things that brought me enjoyment no longer did. All the people that made my life complete were gone.Those that were left made it complicated. The 3 people who understood me better then I understood myself..My Daddy, My Mama, & the coolest Big Brother to ever walk the planet were gone. I'll see them again someday. I lost the 2 best dogs and 2 best horses an owner could have..Winston & Mandy were my first dogs, They both lived 15yrs. 
And my horses Honey & Mack both lived to be 15yrs old. I put winston down April 4th, Mandy November 1st,My big Brother November 11th and Honey November 15, Mack the following Feb & my mother September and lastly my daddy Sept 27th three years after I lost my mom. I felt like a nothing nobody. I took 3 years to work on me. I lost everything but my husband & 2 good friends. I pondered long when God would take them as well. 
When God starts a work in you He will see it through to the end. Unlike the former me who ran from everything and never finished a thing. I am seeing my way out through the other side..I never thought I'd get here..

After making it through this winter & seeing my horse transformed into a gentleman before my very eyes, seeing myself as the woman I always longed to be, working through issues and staying committed I am learning that hard work does pay off.And likewise now when I look in the mirror I like the person looking back at me and I am confident Bubba likes me too.

Mixed Signals

Okay..so we made some jokes about Bubba catching snowflakes but seriously He's simply Not wanting to stand still..and he kept jigging forward then backward and has resigned too standing but hes showing his irritation by throwing his head..I'm just sorta letting him work it out..All i had asked was he simply stand still for a photo..not too hard right? lol

Did you ever wonder why when you'd be walking along on a nice trail ride with friends that all of a sudden your horse just breaks into a trot without your asking? Or you ask for him to go forward and instead he backs? Or how about the famous just trying to get him to stand still while you try to mount but instead he dances or steps off. Well maybe you haven't had these problems but i sure have..It all stems from mixed signals, lack of trust, & simply whose really the Boss or Alpha..Heck i darn near trained a horse backwards once...I think it took 3 months with a riding instructor to undue all I'd done the two previous years..
Horses are not animals you can just sit on like a lump..You must participate..
To some riding,training and timing all comes as natural as breathing..but for me, i have to work for it, and the only way i learn is by quieting my mind, paying attention to his attitude, being willing to meet Bubba at what ever Level of Intensity hes taken it too,by learning from my mistakes, & staying committed to working with Bubba..The more committed you are, the more you get to know your horse,That's how the real bond is built. Horses are so forgiving so i make sure that when I get Angry or Frustrated i take a breather. That's not forfeiting, its being wise. Taking time to think what you may have done wrong, all in all when i do make a mistake Bubba is so forgiving ..for that I am most grateful.The ONLY part that has always come natural to me is the loving part..Loving him and everything that makes him Bubba comes easy, hes such a gift..But the relationship cant work if hes the Alpha..He'll never trust me..He'll always be anxious..So this is my journey in learning how to become the Alpha..
Horses analyze who will be the boss within the first 10 seconds with you..Every day as Pat Parelli says they vote for a new leader..Its never just a given that I am the Alpha & he will never test me or question that again, each time we meet he'll size me up? It's not a disrespectful thing, It's a horse thing. that's what they do. Every day they test each other in the herd. Who will be Alpha.
Usually when you have a horse that is the Alpha..The are intelligent & strong. Being Alpha is quite the responsibility. They remain in the front, They are responsible for alerting the herd of possible dangers. The Alpha has the best chance of survival. So as a human, fighting for Alpha, remember you have a responsibility to be smarter then your horse, patient, kind, loving, stern & rewarding..And I refuse to use meanness or physical abuse to gain that position..

After each ride or training session with Bubba I always think back over it.. what went well, what i enjoyed, but more so what didn't go so well, what went wrong,and what i need to practice on to make my commands clear to my horse...As Bubba and I both learn I've become quite aware of the wall that stands firmly between us when trying to communicate what i want..I act, He reacts and we work from there..

In the Driving game my horse is wearing a Parelli training halter which has about a 14 foot rope connected to it..As i stand facing my horse I begin to ask my horse to back with just a wave of the finger in front of my face, the middle of the rope is still touching the ground, and in the beginning Bubba does not even notice the finger wave...then if no response i wave my wrist which sends a little vibration down the lead line which he can sorta feel but more so see, he still stands looking at me..but i can tell by his ears that hes trying to figure it out,3 seconds later if no back i go to the next phase which is sending vibrations down the rope by waving from my elbow(at this point he has lifted his head,put his nose in the air slightly and showing his irritation but still stood his ground and 3 seconds later I jump to the 4th phase and then wave with my whole arm which is sending a lot of pressure from the rope to the halter. From light touch to heavy..but at this most severe phase Bubba immediately takes two steps back and i drop the rope..release/reward...his ears go and i can see him trying to figure this out.

It doesnt take long & within the first 3 lessons we went from phase 4 down to phase 2, waving from the wrist..and soon I'll simply wave my finger and he will back..Cues,timing,release & reward are all crucial..I'm excited as we work together..watching him figure it out is so exciting. Learning to be the Alpha is something i really have to work at..It keeps things as safe as they can be..no one wants to get hurt..But you let that horse of yours make the rules and soon injury or fear will follow..
After Bubba backed up nicely using the 2cd phase of pressure..always light to heavy..not vice versa..I reward him by simply making my body soft, bending over slightly just a bit and drawing the rope in gently hand over hand as Bubba comes to me and i rub him and thank him for doing such a good job...He's getting it.What i couldn't understand was while i was asking him to back up in our very first lesson, he would all of a sudden come forward..Horses naturally push against pressure,and coming to me was not what i wanted..i think to video tape yourself would be an excellent idea..that way you could see your mistakes while training..the second best thing is to simply have a friend watch you and telling you what they observe from you and your horse.
I learned that when i should of been standing square as the alpha when asking for the back. i began thinking about his reward and without even realizing it i began to bend over slightly as i would ONLY when asking him to come in to me..therefore he came forward. Mixed signals..though the pressure was telling him to back, my body was telling him to come to me..so he came to me.
Its good to have a plan before working your horse...and its just as good to think over what you last worked on so you don't make the same mistakes..keeping a horse journal is something I'm becoming more faithful with and couldn't live without..
We give so many mixed signals when working with our horses that we don't even realize we've done it!!  the second example,as i stated before, your just relaxing going down your favorite trail, just talking away or taking in the moment and your horse breaks into a trot without your asking..not realizing you've just sat there for the past 20 min doing nothing and all of a sudden you decide too sit up, heels down..gather up the reins and make contact with his sides and this all happened 2 seconds before he just trotted off. You didn't think you asked for a trot but in truth you did. You asked when you went from sitting like a lump too riding actively..its almost like saying "boo" with your body language..
its important to ride your horse..actively..paying attention ...feeling the rhythm & moving your hips with him as he walks along..keeping light contact while on a loose rein. Do something..apply leg pressure and go to the right of the trail..then ask him to go left..pick a tree and go around it or take a different path..ask for a circle and let it be your idea to trot or lope..My horse has become more beautiful as I am learning to be the Alpha..
I am very blessed to have so many wise Horse friends..Tonight my friend who has been doing Parelli for well over 8yrs now is going to come and work with me and Bubba in the arena tonight..I cant wait..and will keep you posted..

The Turkey Parade

What a ride today..thanks Juju(my friend with the Blonde mane facing me lol)..and Welcome Christy (a gf of JuJu's from work,on the far right).And of course there is my Handsome Bubba standing first. it was an incredible ride..

Well about noon i was layered up and on my way to the barn..anticipating another great ride..There's just something about a bunch a girls, headin out on horseback, and the conversations there in..I put Bubba in the cross ties. I brushed him then tacked him up. Judy slid open the barns roll door and all 3 of us walked out of the barn in single file. We headed up the mountain side that leads to some great trails and our favorite set of cornfields.
Bubba was leading the ride...this is just as new to me as it is to Bubba as he was always a follower "just like myself" but with each ride i get the honor of seeing his confidence grow and mine as well..
All us ladies were busy chatting and laughing as we started out ..all the horses walking briskly up the long hill towards the treeline. Listening to the sound of hoof beats breaking through the top slightly frozen layer of snow. I was just sorta daydreaming about how lovely it all was..and BOOM..just that quick Bubba's right front leg slid right into a hole about 2 ft deep..i never knew it was there..Both Bubba and I almost took a face dive into the snow..and WHY its so important to pay attention and not just sit there like a lump..Sorta wakes you up right away..and got me thinking about how hidden dangers can lie beneath what appears to be safe ground just beautifully blanketed with snow.
Not that i could of avoided a 2foot hole covered over by snow..but I could of however (had i been paying attention)supported my horse with the reins so he didnt trip or drop to his knees. Instead it was like we both dropped and fell forward.
anyhow..thank God he wasnt hurt and that I learned a lesson..we continued on..and we both were paying attention. lol
The air was cold and damp, yet much warmer at 35 degrees then the ride we just took the other day in 8 degree weather..almost like a summer day compared too those temps..but it just felt like rain was on the air or another cold pennsylvania snow was about to move in..Bundled up,we headed off to the woods where we would hardly feel the cold wind. We were all happy to be trail riding on our day off..what a way to spend the day. Judy now lead the pack, Christy was in the middle and Bubba and I were taking up the rear because we took a second to gather ourselves after stepping in that hole..
Bubba's usually always a little anxious in the back, sorta looking over his shoulder for that boogie man to jump out from a behind a tree somewhere lol that's that predator prey instinct kicking in..fight or flight
I realized at that very moment i too was anxious..and that was probably the reason Bubba was looking over his shoulder.I was still thinking about that big hole he'd just slid in. I needed to let it go...So i took some BIG Deep breaths..and with each exhale I could feel myself sinking deeper and deeper into the saddle. I could also feel Bubba relaxing and taking slower more sure footed steps. Amazing how a horse can read you before you even realize you've been read.
We finally reached the top of mountain..and the view from up there is really something. You just have to stop a second and take in the view..I promise the next time i will take a picture of that view just so you can see how beautiful & high up we actually are..
I have to say my favorite thing about climbing that mountain is the view..How you can see Pennsylvania's now snow covered rolling hills and valleys..how Interstate 79 runs in between the Hills and how the tractor trailers look like little tonka trucks & the cars like toy match box cars.
Today was probably one of the most challenging rides I have had in a while..I'm sure Bubba would agree..the snow covered so much of the footing and the trails we blazed today had many hidden surprises. Bubba and i were prepared though,we all ready had our wake up call about 2 seconds into the ride sliding in that hole. I was glad to be in the back, as it allowed me to see what the other riders had to encounter first so i could choose to follow or make my own path..

There were big snow covered rocks that the horses had to be very careful not too step on or slide off but rather step over, a few being half the width of the path. Then in two spots we had to walk over thick coated wire about 3-4 inches off the ground. It reminded me of  trip wire & I would not recommend anyone doing this. There were Thorn Bushes making some crossings ouchy and Many low hanging branches that required I actually stop my horse in front of so that i could lift the branch up to get under,there was room for Bubba, just not room for me lol. And did i mention the trees we had to walk in between that were just a bit to close for comfort??? You know, Knee knockers..ever heard of'em? lol.

With unscathed knees, it was then that I spoke up. Bubba and I were taking a different path to the top..the last thing i would EVER want to do is risk getting my horse hurt by purposely riding in incredibly rough, unsafe and unknown snow covered terrain. When that little voice inside me began saying.."for bubbas safety get out"..it was a red flag and I felt it..and im glad i spoke up because both ladies were more then eager to follow Bubba and me out of there and so we cut back...
I am adventurous. I love a challenge and I prefer to make trails then follow them, but I too felt Bubba getting a touch uncomfortable as if to say "okay I've had enough Mom". and since i was really asking him to pay attention for quite some time and since he so willingly waited for my every cue on when to step and where to step, what obstacle to maneuver, and the pace, I decided some fun would be a great reward for his effort. Its times like these that Bubba will place his trust in me and let me direct his every step. He waits..patiently.  I am that much more careful..i don't want to cause him to second guess me as a result of him getting hurt. I want both of us too come through it more confident

I have grown to appreciate a challenge..its a chance to push ourselves, problem solve all the while placing our trust in each other..But when i began to feel Bubba stress a little.. i knew enough was enough so i chose a different path too the top of the second mountain and we both breathed a sigh of relief when we hit the top..I praised him up.What a trooper..Bubba was so proud of himself i could feel it in his strut.
Finally we made it too our favorite cornfield. Nice open fields, so picturesque. A treeline that boarders each of the 3 huge cornfields & visiting my favorite deserted barn was just the cherry on top. We all began trotting in the snow across the field towards the barn.We always see something up there..hawks soaring or perched..red tailed foxes, deer but lately Wild Turkey..
As the 3 of us trotted our horses forward...Bubba was the first to come to a dead stop as he turned his head to the left and froze still, each horse followed suit. We were all in awe and silent as we watched the first pack of wild turkeys run for their lives not but 80 feet from us.
It was comical to hear the sound the turkeys made like they were telling each other to run for their lives.So after the turkeys got into the woods and out of sight we continued trotting on..
The Judy yells "look in the second cornfield over there" and sure enough the turkeys that had just run off, were now going through the tree line into the next field and they alerted the next herd of wild turkeys..We were all now watching this giant parade of turkeys running. There was well over a hundred wild turkeys running and squawking.
They never slowed down, skipped a beat or stopped for a second until they all made it into the furthest cornfield. The marathon of turkeys stirred up one last group. It all got Dead Quiet.
And what must of been at least 200 wild turkeys... all took to the sky..
Like a black storm cloud..there were just so many..a gift too take in such a sight..The Grand Finally.
We headed back home after riding nearly 2 and a half hours.and Bubba lead the pack home..I was so proud of him..

Before I continue...a few Thank You's

All this blogging is quite new to me..So I must back up just a few steps before I get too far ahead of myself...Some thank yous are in order..
First and foremost to the Lord who Answered this Nobodys prayer for a horse. I think my exact words were "if anyone can get me a free horse Lord its you" 3 months later I got my free horse whose real name is"Easy Money" or "Mun" for short as some call him..i found it ironic that a free horse would have such a name. I smile every time i think of it. Even God has a sense of humor and a heart that's always heard my prayers.
Second..To the woman who listened to that still small voice that said.." you will not sell this horse but rather give him away". She did not listen begrudgingly..but was Honored to give me the most honorable gift an Indian can..the gift of a horse. I tear now as i type this..I mean it was so humbling..it had nothing to do with me deserving it..it was a gift..and a second chance at life. I always say she didn't just give me a horse..she gave me "THE" horse...
Thirdly...To my Bubba..i was told that in Italian the nickname Bubba means Love..not like (i love you) but more like (you are love). like something you would call your grampa. An endearing nickname..Thank you Bubba for teaching me about love again, how to live again, how to have fun again!!
For choosing me first as your friend..for placing your trust in me, and for causing me to laugh out loud on so many occasions.
For being my shoulder to cry on, for loving me and helping me to pick up the pieces of my life and move on..
but especially for the peace that comes with such a friendship & bonding.. i feel renewed,centered and full of strength, enough to tackle another day just from spending time with you..
I will shower you with Love..all that i can give and more..

renewed "wed jan 26th, 2011"

This is my Bubba.There's just something about the sound of hoof beats..That steady rhythm,the sound of leaves and sticks rustling & snapping under his feet..There's just something about the smell of him..you know the smell im talking about..the one we all Love..the smell of Horse. Today were getting ready to hit the trails..its a bit chilly,there's snow on the ground, and big smiles will be plastered on the faces of my riding pals and I. No matter whats going on in my life..no matter the trial or burden, time spent with Bubba always leaves me feeling mentally and Spiritually Renewed.. I don't think about the bills i owe,or what time i work tomorrow,or even about the recent loss of my father..when I'm spending time with bubba and were blazing new trails...this minds only focused on him.